John Mortell’s blog

This is rather cruel, but appearently the bear was ok after so its all good

Found this somewhere (not saying where to protect the guilty). While it is kinda wrong, you get the feeling this is what happens at times – which makes it even funnier.

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia
December 6, 2006 | Issue 42•49

New leaders reluctantly convene a cabinet meeting.

“After months of combat, the United Deliverance Front has this morning taken command of one of Africa’s most beleaguered nations, installing itself as the supreme ruler over 11 million desperate, ailing, and angry citizens,” UDF leader and new head of state Uwimana Kowrt said. “Dear Jesus, what the hell were we thinking?”

According to Kowry, who claimed that plans to overthrow the ruling administration “made sense at the time,” celebration was cut short Monday morning when the victorious rebels realized that they were now in charge of a country crippled by drought and widespread food shortages.

“For years, we watched our beloved homeland suffer from strife and infirmity, knowing that something drastic had to be done,” UDF second-in-command Ngoube Mtumbe said. “Why we decided that that something was to take over this godforsaken graveyard of a country instead of just getting the fuck out, I’ll never know.”

“We did not sign up for this,” he added. “Seven-hundred-thousand AIDS orphans? Come on!”

Mtumbe, a UDF fighter with over 14 years of demolitions experience and nearly three hours of administrative practice, said that members of the rebellion were so caught up in the bloodthirsty struggle for power that they lost sight of what it would mean to be in power in a country as terrible as Zambia.

“The fact that there wasn’t a single standing railroad bridge, power station, or radio tower for us to destroy should have been a pretty clear sign that Zambia wasn’t exactly the most stable of places,” Mtumbe said. “Our supposed capitol building doesn’t even have a front door, for crying out loud.”

Mtumbe, who was trying to figure out what paperwork was necessary to declare a national state of emergency, said he was still kicking himself for killing countless U.N. peacekeepers well-acquainted with the complicated relief process, and for decapitating the Minister of Transportation, who was “obviously in that position for a reason.”

The mood among UDF soldiers quickly worsened when they realized it was up to them to pick up the pieces after a very recent and destructive uprising.

“And to think we were so proud to catch government forces in [the city of] Harbel by surprise,” UDF General Gahiji Boshoso said. “Those lucky bastards were probably just as relieved as they were shocked that anyone would want to be in charge of such a nightmarish wasteland. Even parts of Nigeria are better than this, and that’s one of the worst countries on earth.”

Added Boshoso: “Would it have killed us to take over Estonia instead—you know, a country with running water?”

Though the group went to the trouble of training an army of largely underage soldiers, purchasing military weapons on the black market, and steeling themselves for atrocities of war, many said they would never have gone through with the final assault had they realized just how dire the situation in Zambia was.

“After losing so many friends and family members, and ruthlessly slitting the throats of more innocent civilians than I can count, I expected my reward to be a little sweeter than this,” said Kowry, who claimed that he wished dealing with the World Bank Food Program was as simple as assassinating former ruling-party loyalists. “None of the blood that covered our streets nor the carnage that choked our cities could have even remotely prepared us for these pathetic annual GDP figures.”

“Frankly, we’re amazed there was even a president to overthrow in the first place,” he added. “All we can hope for now is that another band of utterly naïve rebels comes along to put us out of our misery.”

Just finished the novel of this last night, watched the film yesterday too. The book’s actually slightly better, which is unusual because I’d seen the film first, but even so… It makes more sense narrative-wise because (rather unsuprisingly) it can go into more detail on the world that the charachters inhabit.

Still dosen’t make complete sense as to how Shogo knew that he would be called up to the game again…

They’re both really good anyway, for different reasons and well worth the watch/read.

Anyway, here’s a clip from the movie, any of you that have seen Kill Bill will recognise the girl at the start of the clip…

Another UCC student joins the blogsphere. I actually know Sam through bumping into him around college, though not very well. Very good stuff, makes me a bit ashamed of the rather weak posting I’ve had of late…

Just Watched the fourth season of Blackadder – the last episode ‘goodbyee’ is just fabulous. Personally I think this should be on all History courses.

Haven’t watched the whole of this clip, hope its ok. Enjoy.

Realise that this will be a bit of a pointless post as most of those reading this will have ye’re minds made up about this.

Personally I’m delighted to see someone of Carter’s stature (he is a former US President after all) acknowledge that the current situation is terribly racist.

Not that this suprises me very much – I have yet to change my stance that in the 20th century there were 3 rascist countries – i.e. countries whose entire existence and survival depended on the abuse of one race by another – the Nazis in Germany first, the Aparthied enforcers in South Africa second and the Jews of Israel third…

And though I get an awful bollocking for this every time it comes up, I still maintain that ‘Serious’ (read right-wing and the Israel lobby) Israelis and Nazis are spiritual cousins. They both believe in Lebensraum, both constantly claim that there is an enemy at the door who must be destroyed at all cost and both talk of appeasement (in the sense that they are to be appeased) for injustices committed in the past.

Please send all hatemail for that last sentance to….

Been thinking about this a bit more… While I haven’t changed any of my opinions I will clarify a few things;

1) I’m not suggesting that this is the attitude of all Israelis – just the ones in charge, which does include those who support those who create the policies (even if they are not as racist as those particular people).

2) I have seen firsthand the racism that these people have – the philosoph had an Isreali over talking about Islam, and this man, a professor in an Isreali university said, no joke, that the reason that Arabs, on the whole are poor is that they refuse to work and blame others for their failures while Israelis had, by themselves, made themselves great. This was one of the most rascist and blinkered things I have ever seen anyone say in person and reflects the attitude these people have in general I suspect.

3) Before anyone accuses me of it, I’m not suggesting that the state of Israel shouldn’t exist, just that it needs to do a lot of changing.

… I’m getting old. There’s a Robbie Williams gig on channel 4 at the moment and when I flicked over to it I genuinely thought for a moment that they were showing a porno at 11.30 on Christmas morning….

So the dog woke me up at 7.15 with its barking… Other than that, I’m up because of our family tradition of Christmas breakfast…
Didn’t get much.. the combined joys of being 20, being impossible to buy for and having gotten what I was going to get already…

Later… I’l probly be surfing the internet all day to avoid the day that’s in it….

Having gone out for the first time for the first time in months I discovered that my reputation is worse than I remembered…..

Appearently there’s a codeword for my appearance for certain people…

Ah, fuck it, it’s still irritating though….

And Gorbachov are doing their last gig in Ireland for a while… and I won’t be there….

Goddamn.

Here. Some of them, like the west side story one is very good, others are kinda ‘meh’. Worth a look though. The Mel Gibson one is too easy almost but still quite funny. Enjoy.